<p>If you were the last person leaving your favorite restaurant and the only umbrella in the coatroom looked just like yours (but you knew it wasn’t yours), would you take it?</p>
<p>That would be very wrong, and I wouldn’t do it. Unless, of course, it was raining.</p>
<p>Here are some hypothetical situations and how I would advise anyone faced with these dilemmas.</p>
<p>Q: I have been a waitress at a steakhouse for 35 years and I have a dark secret. I have been taking home a bottle of ketchup every night since 1985. I now have 9,000 bottles in my garage. Nobody missed them. What should I do? I feel very guilty but don’t want to get in trouble just before I retire.</p>
<p>A: Returning them all at once would raise suspicion. Return them the exact way you acquired them — one at a time. So, either put off your retirement or eat there every night until 2040.</p>
<p>Q: When I travel, I always take the little bottles of shampoo and conditioner from the hotel bathroom. I was feeling bad about this until one desk clerk said the business expects people to take them. That’s why they put their name on the products. I recently picked up a Sony TV and a General Electric hair dryer from the Westin. Should I stop?</p>
<p>A: Only after you cross the border.</p>
<p>Q: For the last five years I have been having fun with my neighbor. After he leaves for work, I mow his lawn. Yesterday he told me it’s driving him crazy that his grass never grows. Should I tell him?</p>
<p>A: What, and ruin this perfect practical joke? Hey, here’s my address. Wouldn’t it be funny if my car never got dirty?</p>
<p>Q: I am a 16-year-old girl but look almost 40. As a result, I have been drinking beer, driving a car, and seeing X-rated movies for many years. My boyfriend says this is illegal and I could get in very serious trouble. Should I find a lawyer, just in case?</p>
<p>A: No, find a plastic surgeon.</p>
<p>Q: My fiancé bought an expensive felt hat, size 7½. He looks real stupid in it and I’m embarrassed to be seen with him. Each week, I secretly replace his hat with an identical one, but about a quarter of an inch bigger. I have done this three times now. John thinks his head is shrinking and has asked if I can see a difference. Do you think he will figure this out?</p>
<p>A: Heavens, no. (See letter below.)</p>
<p>Q: I am engaged to a beautiful young lady. Recently, I have come to the realization that my head is shrinking. I’m probably dying. Should I tell her what is happening? I don’t think she can see it.</p>
<p>A. You have underestimated her. (See letter above.)</p>
<p>These are all silly, obviously, but in my own life, I am now facing a real ethical conundrum. I will tell you about it next week. I look forward to your advice. Because of the volume of mail I receive, I can answer each response personally.</p>
