If you were the last person leaving your favorite restaurant and the only umbrella in the coatroom looked just like yours (but you knew it wasn’t yours), would you take it?
That would be very wrong, and I wouldn’t do it. Unless, of course, it was raining.
Here are some hypothetical situations and how I would advise anyone faced with these dilemmas.
Q: I have been a waitress at a steakhouse for 35 years and I have a dark secret. I have been taking home a bottle of ketchup every night since 1985. I now have 9,000 bottles in my garage. Nobody missed them. What should I do? I feel very guilty but don’t want to get in trouble just before I retire.
A: Returning them all at once would raise suspicion. Return them the exact way you acquired them — one at a time. So, either put off your retirement or eat there every night until 2040.
Q: When I travel, I always take the little bottles of shampoo and conditioner from the hotel bathroom. I was feeling bad about this until one desk clerk said the business expects people to take them. That’s why they put their name on the products. I recently picked up a Sony TV and a General Electric hair dryer from the Westin. Should I stop?
A: Only after you cross the border.
Q: For the last five years I have been having fun with my neighbor. After he leaves for work, I mow his lawn. Yesterday he told me it’s driving him crazy that his grass never grows. Should I tell him?
A: What, and ruin this perfect practical joke? Hey, here’s my address. Wouldn’t it be funny if my car never got dirty?
Q: I am a 16-year-old girl but look almost 40. As a result, I have been drinking beer, driving a car, and seeing X-rated movies for many years. My boyfriend says this is illegal and I could get in very serious trouble. Should I find a lawyer, just in case?
A: No, find a plastic surgeon.
Q: My fiancé bought an expensive felt hat, size 7½. He looks real stupid in it and I’m embarrassed to be seen with him. Each week, I secretly replace his hat with an identical one, but about a quarter of an inch bigger. I have done this three times now. John thinks his head is shrinking and has asked if I can see a difference. Do you think he will figure this out?
A: Heavens, no. (See letter below.)
Q: I am engaged to a beautiful young lady. Recently, I have come to the realization that my head is shrinking. I’m probably dying. Should I tell her what is happening? I don’t think she can see it.
A. You have underestimated her. (See letter above.)
These are all silly, obviously, but in my own life, I am now facing a real ethical conundrum. I will tell you about it next week. I look forward to your advice. Because of the volume of mail I receive, I can answer each response personally.
