<p>This is the time of year when I thank the people, places and things that make a humor column possible. I always begin with my wife, Mary Ellen, whose great sense of humor allows me to include her in my stories. She usually doesn’t say a word, although after one column I wrote, she literally didn’t say a word to me for a week.</p>
<p>Thanks to Mary Ellen for booking an 11-hour layover at the Miami International Airport on our way to Peru. MIA is a massive place and while walking around, I got lost. I was MIA at the MIA.</p>
<p>Thanks, too, to Mary Ellen for making our treks around our new neighborhood a fun but costly experience. Every new addition to a neighbor’s home (shutters, landscaping, screened porches), Mary Ellen thinks we should consider adding to our house. When she asked me recently if we could afford a rather pricey vacation we were considering, I told her it was cheaper than taking a walk.</p>
<p>Thanks to my editor, Heidi, who left me a voicemail that ended with “Adios.” Somehow, the transcription on my cell phone showed up as “I love you.” Ever since I told her about it, she ends all our phone conversations with a sarcastic “I love you,” which was funny the first time, but we talk three or four times a day.</p>
<p>Thanks to the electric company for comparing our monthly energy usage to our neighbors’. Mary Ellen used to get angry with me for never closing the garage door, but now I know it saves us 87 cents a year.</p>
<p>Thanks to our friends the Goslings who invite us every year for Thanksgiving dessert, but they forgot to mention it this year. We didn’t know if we should ask, just show up, or sit it out. We finally asked, and Dan told us we were “invited for pie in perpetuity,” which is the first time those words have ever been used in the same sentence.</p>
<p>Thanks to a Ted Talk that informed me I have been tying my shoelaces the wrong way for 70 years. This reminded me I needed to replace some laces, so I went to Amazon Prime. Some people were unhappy with their purchases:</p>
<p>“The shoelaces are thicker than I expected. What a waste of $2.00.”</p>
<p>“The laces were 36 inches, not 34. What should I do?”</p>
<p>“The laces are too dark for my shoes. Not sure which to replace.”</p>
<p>“The laces I ordered are too short. Could that be my fault?”</p>
<p>“Where it asks how many eyelets, do I count both sides of the shoe?”</p>
<p>Thanks to the music channel in our cable TV package where we can listen to classical music while the service provides us with tidbits of music history in the corner of the screen. Often the factoids leave us wanting to know more. For example, the 13th century French musician Léonin gained fame at Notre Dame. But what did he play? French horn? Violin? Quarterback?</p>
<p>Here are a few items they could add:</p>
<p>Johann Sebastian Bach’s wife made him a sandwich to take to work every day and is credited with inventing a Bach’s lunch.</p>
<p>Beethoven was not deaf. He simply had heard enough already.</p>
<p>It wasn’t that Brahms didn’t like children—he just liked them better when they were sleeping.</p>
<p>Happy Holidays, Everyone!</p>
