Dick Wolfsie
For the year 2023, I made 23 New Year’s resolutions. I’ve already broken every single one. Below is my list. I resolved that…
- In a restaurant, when the waitress sees my totally cleaned plate and asks how I enjoyed my meal, I will not say: “I didn’t like it one bit.” According to a survey I read, they hear this all the time and they do not think it is funny.
- I will make the bed in the morning. It’s still in a box from IKEA and we are tired of sleeping on our couch and lounge chair.
- When people ask, “How’s Barney?” — my famous dog who passed almost 20 years ago — I will stop saying, “Still dead.” No one finds this amusing and they think I am an insensitive jerk.
- I will stop salting what Mary Ellen makes for dinner before I even taste it. In future years, I will tackle my addiction to pepper, Heinz 57 and teriyaki sauce.
- I will put a cover on food when I heat it in the microwave, so the meal doesn’t end up as splatter all over the inside. Amendment to resolution: I’ll try to remember not to use aluminum foil.
- For stocking stuffers next Christmas, I will not buy stupid kitchen gadgets for my wife that she will never use. We have 11 devices engineered to open jar lids. None of them work.
- When Mary Ellen asks me what I want for dinner, I will not say, “I don’t care.” I still won’t care, but I will stop saying it.
- When someone says, “You remind me of Dick Wolfsie,” I will not jokingly reply: “I’m sorry to hear that; I found him very annoying on TV.” I will stop this because when I have said it, many people have agreed with me.
- I will not cut the crust off a sandwich, realize I’m still hungry and then eat the crust.
- I will not cheat when I play Words with Friends. Last year, with the help of a word-finder website, I placed “oxazepam” (a drug) on just the right squares for a whopping 192 points. Now, no one will play with me, so I call the game: Words All By Myself.
- I will not open the fridge looking for a snack and stare for two minutes hoping that some miracle will appear, like a corned beef sandwich on rye.
- I will not whistle in my downstairs office while writing my column. My wife says that if I whistle while I work, I sound like one of the seven dwarfs. Which dwarf am I? See the next resolution.
- When I watch a movie with Mary Ellen, I will not nod off, because when I wake up, I make her tell me what I missed. “Mary Ellen, why are those people jumping off the ship?” I said. “It’s the Titanic, Sleepy. I hope you had a good nap,” she said.
- When our ice dispenser kicks out extra cubes that land on the kitchen floor, I will stop shoving them under the fridge with my foot. My wife has no clue I have ever done this, but the puddles are making her suspicious.
- Finally, I will not publicly admit to my 23 broken resolutions when I could only come up with 15. I should have written this column eight years ago.
Retired television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal. Send comments to [email protected].
