Dick Wolfsie: Letting it all out

After my 76th birthday this past week, I decided to let it all out. It’s about time people know who I really am. Here are just some of my peculiarities and idiosyncrasies.

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1. I prefer baked beans cold.
2. I buy two-piece pajama sets and throw away the top. I wear bottoms with a t-shirt.
3. I always mix cereals, like cornflakes with Rice Crispies. In fact, I mix everything. I once mixed ketchup and mayo and I tried to tell people I invented Russian dressing. But George Santos beat me to it.
4. I like leftover Chinese food and I always eat it cold — sometimes with baked beans.
5. I always go to bed with my socks on. But in the morning, I can’t find them.
6. When I ask for a to-go box in a restaurant, three out of four times I leave without it.
7. I can’t write my humor column if I know there are dirty dishes in the kitchen sink.
8. After 50 years as a writer, I still hunt and peck on the keyboard.
9. I own 25 pairs of underwear, but I am compelled to do a load of wash when only six are in the laundry basket.
10. A USB plug has two sides, but it always takes me three times to get it to fit.
11. I enjoy the opening monologues of the late-night hosts. Just before they break for commercials, they tell viewers who their guests will be. Most of the time, I have never heard of them.
12. When I buy a rotisserie chicken, the smell in the car makes me crazy, so I eat the wings while driving. That’s why my steering wheel is always greasy.
13. My checkbook register must have even numbers in the “total” column. If I owe the gas company 94.17, I pay them 100.00. The next month I have a credit.
14. I drink beer from a wine glass. I never drink it directly from a bottle or can. I don’t like mugs, either.
15. Sometimes I buy sinfully decadent items at fast-food drive-thrus (like an order of cheesy fries), then after a few bites I dump it out the window. That cuts fats and calories, but I always recycle the box.
16. I choose restaurants and movie theaters where I know I look younger in their bathroom mirror.
17. If it’s cold enough to wear a winter coat when I walk out my front door, how can I leave it behind when I go to a restaurant, Sunday services, or a football game. It’s just as cold.
18. When I put mayo on a sandwich, it’s applied to the top piece of bread. Mustard has to go on the bottom slice.
19. Recently when I was cleaning the basement, I found a photo of me interviewing the great Bob Hope. I have no memory of meeting him. That scares the heck out of me.
20. I always give the beggars on street corners or medians a couple of bucks. They may be scamming me, but I assume my life is easier than theirs. So, I’ll take that chance.
21. If my waitress has a pierced tongue, she gets smaller tip from me. I lose my appetite and order less.
22. Sometimes I tell people I’m almost 80, so they’ll tell me I look great for my age.
23. I have never been in therapy because I think I am totally normal.

Retired television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal. Send comments to [email protected]