“We just have to learn to talk to each other again” when we have political conversations. That is the solution Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers suggest in their book, “I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening).”
In recent years, we have seen solid friendships fall apart and family unity disrupted because opposing political beliefs are seen as imminent threats. Those who hold opposing views are seen as our enemies. Once we have decided that we are under attack, we, in the words of Brené Brown, “armor up” in defense of what we hold dear. The easiest form of “armoring up” has been to avoid talking to, listening to, reading, or watching anyone or anything who holds an opposing viewpoint. When we do decide to speak with someone who may not agree with us, we may be tempted to go into the conversation with talking points in hand, ready to walk away the “winner.” But that is not conversation; that is debate.
This is not to suggest there is no room in our society for healthy debate, but there can be no robust debate when we avoid truly listening to people who have different political beliefs. We are thinking, feeling, dynamic people with a wealth of experiences and perspectives that simultaneously challenge and affirm others. When we convert our conversations to a set of issues and positions to be argued or ignored, we miss the opportunity to connect in our shared humanity and use our common ground to find solutions that could help everyone. Therefore, let us be more intentional about our political conversations. Let us challenge ourselves to talk with someone “across the aisle,” even if it is uncomfortable. Healthy conversation can help us relearn that people are more than just their politics.
Here are a few suggestions to get us back on the path of healthy conversations.
- Be honest with yourself. Start by doing a personal inventory. Is there a reason I avoid talking to someone with opposing beliefs? Is it a matter of pride? (I don’t want to hear something that compels me to say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong.”) Is it a matter of fear? (My beliefs act as an anchor in an uncontrollable world, and the possibility of having my belief shaken can indeed be scary.) Is it because I don’t want others to question my political loyalties? Are there other reasons?
- Come to the conversation ready for dialogue, not debate. Do not let your conversation be driven by the need to win an argument, prove someone wrong, or bring them over to our side. Let us simply listen to each other and allow each other the space and time to wrestle with what we have heard. Ask clarifying questions to make sure we really understand what someone else is saying.
- Listen to understand; do not listen to respond. If we are busy forming our response while someone is talking, we may miss important information that could help us understand their beliefs.
- Be and stay curious. Father Laurence Freeman wrote, when we “admit the limitations of our knowledge … things are set free.” Being willing to acknowledge what we do not know tells the other person we are willing to learn, and it lays the foundation for fruitful dialogue.
So, let us start talking to each other again. Our stances may change, or we may come out of the conversation more convinced of our beliefs. At least we will have started the process of once again talking with our neighbors, friends and family about topics that affect our daily lives and well-being.
The League of Women Voters’ mission is to empower voters and defend democracy. All League-sponsored work is strictly nonpartisan. We are committed to diversity, equity and inclusion in all League activities. We provide facts and encourage people to be informed and actively participate in all levels of government.
LWVJC member Marlena Boswell, who holds a Ph.D. in History, wrote this column. To learn more about LWVJC, visit lwvjcin.org. Send comments to [email protected].
