By Dick Wolfsie
A common remark by people who read my column is: “Your wife certainly is witty.” This drives me up the wall because I am the one who puts the words in her mouth every week. Reading my column and then saying my wife is funny is like watching “The Simpsons” on TV and saying Homer is a great actor.
The most common question my wife gets is whether the stuff I write about in my newspaper columns is really true. “If it is true,” people ask, “why do you let him write about such personal matters? And if it’s not true, why do you let him make up such baloney?” It’s hard for me to win.
Most of what I write about is admittedly an exaggeration. If I said my wife left to go shopping and came back two days later, that is an obvious embellishment. If my wife were really gone for two days I would, of course, have called the police.
Here’s what I am concerned about. Because I am always trying to be funny, I’m afraid the cops wouldn’t take me seriously: “Hi. This is Dick Wolfsie. My wife left on Thursday to buy clothes, and I haven’t seen her in two days.”
“Yes, Mr. Wolfsie, that’s a very amusing premise. We here at Missing Persons are aware of the use of hyperbole to create a humorous and whimsical effect.
“By the way, we suggest three days. Those of us who have an ear for comedy know that a wife missing for two days just isn’t catchy enough. You need the number three. Three is a funny number.”
“I’m not trying to be funny, officer. I believe my friend Alan may have run away with my wife.”
“I think we know where you’re going with this, Dick. Now you are going to say, ‘And I really miss him’? Sorry, but that’s a bit predictable. However, humor does require a twist or surprise. So the comic reversal here has potential. It just needs a little tweaking. You’re on the right track.”
“Look, I am not writing a humor column. My wife is gone. When she left the house two days ago, I saw her getting in Alan’s Honda.
“What a waste of potential amusement, Dick. Try saying a Buick or a Pontiac. Good use of the K sound is what you’re after here. By the way, scrap the name Alan. No one can form a clear mental picture of what someone named Alan would look like. You need a Bubba or a Reginald. Think visually, for heaven’s sake.”
“Look, for the absolute last time, I am not writing a story; I am not trying to be amusing. I’m pretty sure my wife has run away with my best friend. His name is Alan, not Bubba — not Reginald. I do not miss him. I miss her. I saw them leave together in a Honda. Now, maybe I’m being overly suspicious, but doesn’t that seem a little funny to you?”
“No, Dick, not the way you tell it.”
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal. Send comments to [email protected].
