<p>My wife and I just got back from a short vacation. The first thing I always do when I return home is sort through the mail. If I have any bills, I take care of them immediately. I hate owing money. I especially hate additional charges for late payments — which is why I was so upset when I found a past-due notification from traffic court. Apparently I had an overdue parking fine and I was being penalized for failure to mail a check on time.</p>
<p>It was an unintentional oversight. I had put the parking ticket in my back pocket, then threw my pants in the washer, added a capful of detergent, and set the dial to "Heavy Soil." That’s the last I remember seeing it. It was washed completely from my mind.</p>
<p>Ironically, that night on the news was a story about an 86-year-old man in Arizona who was fumbling through his drawers (which is a disturbing image) and found a $1 parking ticket he got 60 years ago. Like me, he forgot to pay his fine.</p>
<p>Here’s my theory. Henry was, even then, a man with a keen eye for creating a little publicity. He knew someday he’d be an octogenarian (with any kind of luck), and that if he conveniently misplaced the summons, he could pay it decades later when a buck would be chicken feed. He assumed he could maybe pick up some positive press for seniors at the same time. The story made him sound like a hero. There was no penalty levied and the BMV threw him a little party when he paid. The press ate it up. The next day Henry returned all the library books he checked out in 1950. Once again, all fines were waived.</p>
<p>I thought I had some good ammunition here to plead my own case. After all, my ticket was only a month old, and clearly Henry got big breaks for being a senior. I’m a senior, too. I hoped I could use that in my defense. I picked up the phone…</p>
<p>"Hello, is this traffic court? Look, I have an overdue ticket, but I wonder if you read about Henry, the old guy who didn’t pay his parking ticket for 60 years?"</p>
<p>"Yes, of course we did. What a heart-warming, uplifting, adorable story. We have his photo up on our bulletin board as a lesson to all about the value of honesty. He is so sweet. By the way, who is this?"</p>
<p>"My name is Dick Wolfsie and I…”</p>
<p>"Yes. Mr. Wolfsie. We have your photo up, too. It’s disgraceful that just because you are on TV you think you can stiff the BMV."</p>
<p>"Look, I don’t get it. This codger, Henry, doesn’t pay his ticket for six decades and he’s a hero. I’m four weeks late, and you double my fine?"</p>
<p>"Well, there’s obviously been a mistake. We usually triple it after a month."</p>
<p>"How about if I don’t pay up for a year or more?”</p>
<p>"We’d have to revoke your license and garnish your paycheck."</p>
<p>"How many years would I have to go before my failure to pay goes from criminal to heart-warming and adorable?”</p>
<p>"You should live so long, Mr. Wolfsie.”</p>
<p><em>Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal. Send comments to <a href="mailto:[email protected]">[email protected]</a>.</em></p>
