Marion Hakes will always cherish the last vacation he took with his wife, Karyn, whom he lost to breast cancer more than a year ago. Certain photographs, in particular, are proving to be worth a thousand memories.
“Every picture I would take, she had a smile. She knew God and wasn’t afraid of dying,” Hakes said. “We were in Wisconsin Dells about a year before she died, and she was trying on all these different silly hats. That’s her personality.”
They were married 31 years, and Hakes, a Franklin resident, was his wife’s caregiver during her battle against a disease that strikes about 232,000 women annually in the U.S.
He was Karyn’s rock before and during her illness. He cleaned, cooked and conversed. Looking back, he wouldn’t trade a second of those final seven years of their relationship. She died Jan. 25, 2018, at the age of 56.
“Part of it is who I am,” said Hakes, 58. “At the end, it was more and more difficult because she deteriorated quickly within three weeks.”
A self-examination in 2010 led to Karyn discovering a lump on her left breast, resulting in a lumpectomy and radiation treatments. Six years later she detected a lump on her right breast, which called for another lumpectomy. Approximately a month before dying, Karyn began experiencing pains in her stomach, which was the cancer having spread to her liver.
Within a month she was gone. Karyn died at home with her husband and mother, Veda Wade, at her side.
The final few nights, Hakes slept on the floor next to his wife.
“As the toxins progressed, she couldn’t walk anymore or use the restroom, so they decided to put her on a bed,” Hakes said. “I wanted her to know I was nearby. Friends tried to get me out of the house. I just couldn’t do it. The distraction would’ve been good for me, but I had to be there.”
Karyn’s last words to her husband were that she was dying and that she would see him later. As if there was any doubt. The couple’s relationship was centered around faith.
“We were both Christians and went to church two times on Sundays, once on Wednesday and attended any special program the church would have,” said Hakes, who said he and Karyn attended Franklin Nazarene Church, Edinburgh Nazarene Church and Friendship Baptist Church in Franklin at various stages of the marriage.
“We liked to snuggle while watching TV, usually the History Channel, Discovery Channel or Food Network. Most of my memories are of Karyn’s smile. She smiled no matter what the situation was.”
After she died, Hakes began suffering from depression and anxiety attacks, though the latter are progressively farther apart as time goes on. This month tests him like no other since the couple’s anniversary is Oct. 4 and Karyn’s birthday Oct. 12.
Last January, a year after his wife died, Hakes met Jeannine Rowe through a Christian dating group on Facebook. Rowe places her hands on top of Hakes’ hands as he talks about the slow progress of pulling himself out of some of the darkest days of his life.
“When I first met him, he was kind of stuck in his grief, and he wasn’t sure which direction he needed to go,” said Rowe, 55, who lives in Lebanon. “Once I started kicking him in the right direction, he realized that God didn’t put him on this Earth to stay stuck in his sorrow for having lost Karyn. That the best way to respect her life and the life that they had together was to continue to live his.”
Rowe has experienced her own grief. Her older sister, Kianna, was 42 when she lost her battle with kidney cancer 14 years ago; two years later, her mother passed away due to congestive heart failure shortly before her 72nd birthday.
“It can give him a different perspective of how to deal with the grief that comes up when a song that’s special to him or Karyn plays. Or when he comes across something from their marriage, some item that starts a memory,” Rowe said. “It helps him look at things a little bit differently instead of just with pain, but to find the joy in it.”
Rowe lives by the mantra, “Find joy in your journey.” Every day, she tries to encourage Hakes to do exactly that.
He has kept some of his wife’s collectibles, many of which show her fondness for felines. They have a son, Chris, 28, and have owned cats over the years of their marriage. Hakes plans to donate or sell the majority of Karyn’s keepsakes, though the process hasn’t been easy. Occasionally, he starts going through boxes of items but has to stop after experiencing an anxiety attack.
He said after Karyn’s second diagnosis, she let her husband know she wanted him to remarry should her life be cut short by breast cancer. At the time, he waved off such an idea, but something about Rowe just clicked.
“He still has a lot that he needs to process,” she said. “I’m going to do the best that I know how to do having lost my mom and my sister to help him through that process so that he’s here in the present with me 100 percent of the time.”
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Name: Marion Hakes
Age: 58
What has cancer taught you?
This is a disease you cannot take for granted. It is as dangerous and unpredictable as a wild animal. I knew that cancer can kill, but I never really expected it.
How has cancer changed you?
I have a lot more respect and sympathy for cancer patients and their caregivers because I’ve seen what cancer does to a person and the pain and fears a caregiver goes through. It has also made me more fearful for anyone who gets cancer.
What would you tell someone just diagnosed with cancer?
Don’t take it for granted, but at the same time do not let it control your life. Not all cancers will cause death. Listen to your doctor and look at dietary options. For caregivers, your partner needs all the support and love you can give them, but also give yourself the needed rest and breaks from the stress. You cannot and won’t help your partner if you are stressed and burned out. Find someone to watch your partner, if needed, and take a break to recharge and refresh.
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