<p>My proofreader, Heidi, left me a voicemail. A text transcription showed up below the notification. The message read: “Hi. I sent your proofed column back, but I haven’t heard from you. I wanted to make sure you received it. Love you!”</p>
<p>Over the 20 years we’ve worked together, Heidi has left countless messages on my voicemail. They sometimes start out with “Love you” but then end this way:</p>
<p>…to quit being so redundant.</p>
<p>…to get a new proofreader.</p>
<p>…to stop calling me before noon.</p>
<p>No, this time it just said “LOVE YOU!”</p>
<p>This concerned me. Why proclaim these feelings now in a voicemail? How long had she felt this way — and how had I missed the cues? Looking back, I must admit there were signs that the relationship had taken a turn from professional to personal. We talked endlessly about run-on sentences. We realized we needed each other when we discussed dependent clauses. Of course, no relationship is perfect. Any time verbs came up, it got tense. But spacing issues drew us closer together.</p>
<p>In all our conversations, I swear I never once ended a sentence with a proposition.</p>
<p>When Apple transcribes the messages, the software often misunderstands, or leaves out words, like this version of my sister’s call last week:</p>
<p>“Thanks for your email. I’ll try you again later. I’m with my new boyfriend and I can’t talk until we finish ____________.”</p>
<p>Or, this one from my accountant: “Hi, Jake. I’m sorry I missed you. I’ll call again later, but first I need to take a _________.”</p>
<p>Those blank areas were included, just as you saw them. This is like getting dirty Mad Libs on your cell phone, a service I did not sign up for.</p>
<p>When people leave a voicemail using my name “Dick,” the transcription usually says “Jake.” “Hi, Jake, it’s Bob. Want to meet me for lunch at noon?” I know I’m not Jake, but was that really Bob? It could be my friend Rob. Maybe it’s Andrew or Roger. Who knows? I have no idea who I am having lunch with unless I listen to the actual audio VM, which is really what I should have done from the beginning.</p>
<p>I put Heidi’s message on speaker phone so my wife and I could both hear it. Here it is, verbatim: “Hi. Dick, I sent your proofed column back, but I haven’t heard from you. I wanted to make sure you received it. Adios!”</p>
<p>ADIOS!?</p>
<p>I called Heidi and told her how my voicemail message from her was transcribed from “Adios” to “Love you.” She thought that was hysterical, and now, every time we speak on the phone, she ends the conversation with “Love you,” which was funny the first time, but we talk three or four times a day.</p>
<p>From here forward, when I get a message from my wife and the text translation says, “I love you,” I’m going to listen to the VM immediately to be sure she is not divorcing me with an “Adios.”</p>
<p>After each message, Apple asks if you found their transcription service useful. I responded today. “Dear Apple: No, I hate it. Please discontinue that service. I love you. Your friend, Jake.</p>
<p>Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal. Send comments to <a href="mailto:[email protected]">[email protected]</a>.</p>
