<p>The voice said something about a service call.</p><p>To be honest, I wasn’t fully alert when the phone rang. I had been sound asleep. Perhaps in the middle of a dream.</p><p>The voice was talking about a technician arriving between 8 and 9 a.m. She said the visit might last for an hour and a half.</p><p>“To confirm the appointment, press 1. To reschedule, press 2.”</p><p>I didn’t remember making an appointment. What was the technician planning to do?</p><p>“I’m sorry,” the voice said. “I didn’t hear your selection. To confirm your appointment, press 1. To reschedule, press 2.”</p><p>I was starting to think this whole thing was a terrible mistake. I pressed 2.</p><p>“Thank you. If you’re a residential customer, press 1. If you’re a business customer, press 2.”</p><p>How many more numbers would I have to press? Couldn’t I just talk to a human being?</p><p>“Please enter your account number, or if you don’t have it, you can just say, ‘I don’t have it.’” “I don’t have it,” I said.</p><p>“No problem,” the voice said. “Please enter the telephone number associated with this account.”</p><p>“Why do you need my phone number?” I asked the voice. “You just called it.”</p><p>I hung up and headed downstairs for coffee.</p><p>“Do you know anything about a service call?” I asked my wife. “We’re supposed to have a technician here between 8 and 9 a.m.”</p><p>“I don’t know anything about it,” she said. “Maybe they have the wrong number.”</p><p>I called back, and again I found myself talking to a machine.</p><p>“Please enter your account number,” the voice said. “If you don’t have it, you can say, ‘I don’t have it.’” “I don’t have it.”</p><p>I had returned to voicemail hell. Enter your phone number. Enter your ZIP Code.</p><p>Finally I got an actual person on the phone.</p><p>“You guys called and woke me up this morning,” I said. “The machine said I had a service appointment, but my wife and I don’t remember scheduling one. In fact, we don’t even have an account.”</p><p>He asked for my phone number, and I gave it to him.</p><p>“It does look like we have an account associated with that number,” he said. “I’ll have to transfer you to another department, where they can access that account.”</p><p>“Thanks,” I said.</p><p>Finally, I thought, we were about to get to the bottom of this mystery.</p><p>No such luck. He transferred me, and I was again confronted by a machine.</p><p>“If you’re calling about a residential account, press 1. If you’re calling about a business account, press 2.”</p><p>Things soon took a turn for the worse.</p><p>“Our office is now closed,” the voice said. “Please call back during regular business hours.”</p><p>I hung up, but before long, my phone rang again.</p><p>“Hello,” the voice said. “Your technician is on the way.”</p><p>I took another shot at reaching a live human being, and this time, I found myself connected to one.</p><p>She again asked for my phone number. I gave it to her, and she confirmed that, yes, my number was indeed associated with an active account.</p><p>“What account is that?” I asked.</p><p>She asked for the service address.</p><p>“That’s what I’m trying to find out,” I said. “As far as I know, I don’t have an account.”</p><p>She was apologetic but unyielding.</p><p>“If you can’t give me the address,” she said, “I can’t give you any information about the account.”</p><p>I did finally succeed in getting my phone number removed from her records, but I’ll probably never know where that technician went. Or why.</p>
