<p>The husband regards expiration dates on food as a mix of sheer fantasy and mathematical improbabilities.</p><p>The man has a hard time believing any food ever truly goes bad.</p><p>He’s from the “Waste Not, Want Not School,” which is why we have a tiny takeout container holding two tablespoons of honey mustard salad dressing that accompanied half of a salad I got in a takeout order, a small bowl housing four strands of spaghetti with a smattering of marinara from a long ago dinner, one leftover barbecue rib that is so old I have no memory of when we last had ribs and a box of cottage cheese that expired four days ago.</p><p>The husband interprets, “Use By” to mean somebody wants you to buy more of something sooner than you need to. From your wallet into theirs.</p><p>He considers “Use Before” to be the random guess of some number cruncher lounging behind a desk.</p><p>He reads “Best Before” and takes it as a personal challenge to throw caution to the wind.</p><p>Unfortunately for me, he is often more right than wrong. Many of those stamped dates are more guesstimates than anything. Still, as the willy-nilly in the house — and being from the “I Don’t Want to Get Food Poisoning School of Fear” — I’m more likely to believe the guesstimates than to challenge them.</p><p>The husband has been known to throw his body between me and expired food when I attempt to clean out the ‘fridge.</p><p>“What are you doing?” he says. “That’s still good!”</p><p>He doesn’t even know which remnants of food are in my hands, but his clairvoyant food expiration powers tell him they are still good.</p><p>Often times, he’s not even in the same room or within view of what I’m doing — it’s simply an auto response when he hears the refrigerator door open or sees the little light go on in his peripheral vision.</p><p>“Don’t throw that out! I’m going to eat it tomorrow!” he calls, glued to his computer screen.</p><p>Like he has a detailed schedule of the foods he plans on eating over the next few days.</p><p>“I’m changing the water filter,” I say. “You’re going to eat this, too?”</p><p>Even when the man does think something may have gone bad, he will need at least one and possibly a second confirmation before he can throw something away.</p><p>“This might smell funny,” he says, waving a gallon of milk under his nose.</p><p>Then he says, “Here, you smell it.”</p><p>“Thanks, but no thanks,” I say.</p><p>One of the kids stops by and he says, “Hey, smell this milk, would you?”</p><p>But wait. It gets better.</p><p>Sometimes he’ll take a drink of the milk and say, “Yep, I think it’s going bad. Here, you taste it.”</p><p>I don’t want to sniff it. I don’t want to taste it. I just want to pitch it.</p><p>When in doubt, throw it out!</p>
