Hearing test will determine more than you bargain for

<p>“You need to go to the doctor and have your hearing tested,” said my wife. “I’ve told you that a hundred times.”</p><p>“I only remembered 60,” but maybe I didn’t hear the other 40 suggestions. She claims I have been in complete denial about this for several years.</p><p>I decided to take a hearing test online. Participating in any test or medical questionnaire on the Web is always a mistake. Recently, I was not feeling well so I entered my symptoms: headache, fatigue and dizziness. In seconds, I was provided 23 reasons I should be dead.</p><p>At one hearing test site, I was instructed to wear headphones and sit in a quiet room—which was easy enough. All the rooms in my house are very quiet, even the laundry room when I am doing the wash. Hmmm, that is a little peculiar, isn’t it?</p><p>When the test began, I was prompted to watch for a flashing light, then click on a green button if I heard a sound. I didn’t hear very much, but I clicked every single time because I started to realize this was just a scam to sell me a hearing aid, which I clearly don’t need. Sure enough, they called me 10 minutes after I finished.</p><p>“Mr. Wolfsie, thank you for your selection of the Republic Hearing Company.”</p><p>“Wait, the election? Isn’t that over? And I’m not a Republican: I’m a registered Democrat.”</p><p>“No, sir, we are calling about the hearing test you just took online.”</p><p>I told the guy I knew the test wasn’t legit because I had heard every sound. Then he told me that he wasn’t calling to sell me anything, but he did want me to know that I had better hearing than his German Shepherd.</p><p>Finally, to please my wife I agreed to see a physician who specializes in hearing loss. My appointment is next week and they sent me a form to fill out.</p><p>A SIMPLE TEST TO SEE IF YOU MAY HAVE HEARING LOSS</p><p>This was in big, bold capital letters. Why were they yelling at me? I’m trying to determine if I’m hard of hearing, not hard of seeing…or comprehending. I tried to give an honest answer for each survey question…</p><p>1. Do others complain that you watch TV with the volume too high?</p><p>Every night, my wife comes into the bedroom while I’m watching The Late Show, looks at me and says, “I can’t believe how loud this is.” I know she is saying that because I can read lips.</p><p>2. Do you have to sit up front in church to understand the sermon?</p><p>First of all, I’m Jewish. When I was a kid in Hebrew school my hearing was perfect, but I still never had a clue what the rabbi was talking about.</p><p>3. Do you have difficulty understanding women?</p><p>If this is a criterion for hearing loss, I have been deaf for 70 years.</p><p>4: Can you hear people in another room?</p><p>No. That is the major reason I went into another room in the first place.</p><p>5: Do you sometimes hear ringing in your ears?</p><p>Thanks to the dog’s barking that follows, I know it means there is someone at the door.</p><p>My official visit with the doctor is next week. “Does he have a good reputation?” asked my wife.</p><p>“I have no idea,” I said. “I haven’t heard a thing.”</p>