Keys to happiness: Ditch the hand dryers, voice mailboxes and stale cereal

<p>Humor is helpful in combating stress, but I believe grumpiness has it virtues, as well. In this column, I will outline for you the things that make me grouchy. They might be small, insignificant annoyances, but those are the best ones to get cranky about. I save humor for when I really need it.</p><p>I am tired of my Facebook notifications telling me things like: Suzanne Crowder has commented on Joe Rosen’s post about Bill Roman’s meme. I don’t know Suzanne and I have no clue who Joe and Bill are. How annoying is that? No comment.</p><p>I can go into the dollar store and buy 50 zip-lock bags for a buck, but the cheapskates at Post and General Mills can’t find a lousy two cents to put their Cheerios and Wheaties into a re-sealable plastic pouch inside their cardboard boxes. The only individuals who think the current packaging is just fine are tiny black ants.</p><p>My wife and I are planning a trip to Peru. I signed up for the language instruction app called Babbel. They sent me directions…in French. Merci d’avoir choisi Babbel. Voici quelques instructions pour faciliter le processus. That’s great—now I have to take French, too.</p><p>I’m tired of calling friends’ cell phones and hearing: “The person you are calling has a mailbox that is full.” Why does this person even have a mailbox? How much effort does it take to delete old messages? How about this message instead?: The person you are calling has a head that is empty.</p><p>I want hand dryers in public bathrooms banned. They do not dry your hands. They blow air on your fingers. When I leave public bathrooms, my wife always asks me, “Why are your hands in your pockets?” Because I am still trying to dry them.</p><p>I’m tired of getting emails that say YOU HAVE WON A FREE $100 WALMART GIFT CARD. No, I haven’t. I have won the privilege of answering endless marketing questions so they can hook me up with people trying to sell me stuff. Does anyone ever get a $100 gift card? No clue. After the 60th or 70th question, I always give up.</p><p>To avoid confusion, I want there to be a universal law that the number 0 and letter O can’t be used in passwords, because I can never tell the difference. I asked 9 or 1O pe0ple and it’s amazing h0w many agreed with me.</p><p>By the way, someone has to make a decision about how to deal with spaces when typing credit card numbers for online purchases. Is it 5678 7954 0987 or 567879540987? Dickwolfsiewouldloveananswer. W o u l d n’ t y o u ?</p><p>Finally, I am tired of my printer taking a siesta when I want to print something. I press the button and nothing happens for two minutes except for some bizarre internal clanking and groaning. My computer repairman told me the printer is “thinking.” What is it thinking about? Maybe it is thinking about why it cost only $69 but each ink refill is $80. I press it several more times. It’s still thinking, so I go to bed. Next morning, I have a neat stack of 35 copies––34 more than I wanted.</p>