Shut down your money fights with these tips

<p>In the weeks before my husband proposed to me, my mom asked me a vital question: “Have you two even ever had a fight before?”</p><p>I answered honestly and quickly. Yes, we had had one fight that I could remember. Today, I can’t remember what it was about or how we resolved it, just that it didn’t last long and we came to an understanding.</p><p>When we’re young and in love, we can’t imagine anything coming between the two of us. Filled with starstruck, mutual admiration, neither party could do any wrong.</p><p>But a week or two, or if we’re lucky a month or two, or if we’re an anomaly a year or two later differences surface. Humans make mistakes. Humans who share a home, a checkbook and a bed notice those mistakes. When mistakes occur, friction builds. After a while, that friction causes a flame.</p><p>While couples fight for a myriad of reasons, money problems rank as one of the most common causes. Tension around money can lead toward dysfunction at best and divorce at worst.</p><p>But fighting about money isn’t an automatic toe-tag for your relationship. In fact, conflict can bring forth a better solution for the challenges you currently face together. If you find yourself overwhelmed by a disagreement, take these steps to shut down the money fight and move toward financial intimacy.</p><p>Pause before acting</p><p>The majority of us have two common behaviors when faced with a differing opinion. Some of us shoot from the hip and fire back another accusation at the opposite party. Others go radio silent and give the other person the cold shoulder.</p><p>What we really should do is take a beat before we respond with either of these options. While difficult, when you feel the desire to either put up a fight or fire back, take a beat. Make sure your response isn’t one of haste or rooted in sheer emotion. Take a deep breath and let it out. Then move forward.</p><p>Determine the source</p><p>Sometimes, our fights about money aren’t about money at all. After pausing, determine what the true issue is. As silly as it seems, not meeting your basic physical needs may cause a relational issue. Before you dive into a deeper conversation, be sure you’re not hungry or tired. Both of these factors weigh heavily in our emotional well-being.</p><p>Calmly and kindly, be sure your significant other also has these needs met. Proceed with caution as questioning whether someone is tired or hungry can actually make them angry, too. Or at least it does me. Step lightly.</p><p>Seek to understand</p><p>Money disagreements and financial fights are rarely one sided. However, the point of view we understand with the greatest clarity is our own. For this reason, we often view our own purchases as necessary. And our spouse’s purchases seem frivolous. His or her savings goals don’t seem quite as important, while our own take prime placement.</p><p>Instead of assuming you’re right and your significant other is wrong, seek to understand why the purchase was made or why the goal is so important. Consider your spouse’s history with money and how finances were handled in their family of origin. And ask yourself if you might be wrong in this particular situation. None of us is perfect. Move toward understanding instead of disagreement.</p><p>Remind yourself why</p><p>I’m guessing the individual with whom you share a bed and bank account wasn’t a randomly assigned stranger. At some point in your life, you chose one another as a one and only. While differences threaten to tear you apart, harkening back to this truth can mend your hearts together.</p><p>Choosing unity can still be difficult. But if you begin in a place of love, recalling both the emotions and promises made, you’ll have an easier go of it.</p><p>Consult a third party</p><p>When you find yourselves stalled out and at an impasse, you may need to call in extra help. This help could come in a number of forms. You could choose to read a book together to discuss your differences about money. Or, you might take a class together so you can learn how to manage money together. Your relationship might also benefit from marital counseling.</p><p>There is no shame in asking for help. Be courageous enough to admit you can’t figure it out on your own and consult with someone who can help. There are a few third parties you shouldn’t seek out, though. Don’t poll Facebook asking them to help you solve a dispute. Also, don’t ask your mama to help you through it. She’s always going to think you can do no wrong even if that’s not the case (bless her). You need someone skilled in relationships and money to help you navigate this tricky territory.</p><p>Money fights are unavoidable. We have unique personalities and personal histories. And we tend to be attracted to those who have a different lens on life. This doesn’t have to be a problem. And in fact, when we seek to understand each other, our differences can make our bond stronger.</p>