I just attended a funeral for a dear family friend. Her life was one to be celebrated for certain. She lived with a fierce and loyal love in her heart. And the people gathered to remember her (and surround her sweet family) couldn’t help but smile in the midst of their sadness.
When someone we love dies, it’s difficult to know what to do. Should we show up with a pie? Do people still send flowers? What about making a contribution to a church or charitable organization? The options are limitless but confusion and sorrow often cause us to freeze. With a multitude of choices, we’re paralyzed into doing nothing.
While each experience of grief is unique, there are some simple strategies and systems you can put into place when someone passes away. Instead of wondering what to do or doing nothing at all, try one or more of these ideas to demonstrate how much you care.
make a difference with a meal
In our culture, food and grief seem to go hand in hand. For some of us, when we don’t know how to say “I love you” or “I’m sorry,” we bake cookies. Or, we whip up a casserole. And grieving families, often overwhelmed by the many details associated with death, need meals, too. However, timing a meal can be difficult. After all, no one needs 12 tuna casseroles on one night.
Instead of just dropping by with a covered dish, consider bringing a freezer meal that a family can use later. Or, pick up a gift card or two for pizza delivery or a nearby family favorite. Consider which restaurants are nearest the funeral home and perhaps buy a gift card for one of those.
Send written words
No one wants to feel alone in their sorrow. When you can, send a card. A few years ago, I bought a box of sympathy cards I really loved. I keep them on hand and have been grateful to already have what I need when the unthinkable happens.
Share a favorite memory or the character traits you loved about their dear one. Let them know you care and you want to help. Even if it’s weeks after the funeral, send it. You won’t regret sharing words of love. And even if you don’t have extra funds to make a memorial contribution or bring a meal, most can spare the cost of a stamp.
Rally the community
I grew up in a small community. My grandparents didn’t have much. But my Grandma Beulah knew how to leverage what she did have to support families during times of grief. As soon as she heard about someone passing away, she immediately began to gather support from the neighborhood. She’d walk door to door, asking if others wanted to contribute to purchase flowers. And then she’d sit at the kitchen table and call nearly everyone she knew who lived beyond walking distance, too.
As individual households, we may not have hundreds of dollars to give. However, we can lean into the power of collective giving. I can’t imagine the impact Grandma Beulah would have wielded with a resource like the Internet. Whether you choose to make a group contribution to a charity or simply gather funds for a family in need, you can make a greater impact by asking others to help.
Harness the power of the Internet by using a site like MealTrain.com to coordinate meals over the weeks and months of need. Or use GoFundMe.com to quickly communicate with a broad base of people to raise funds. Your biggest contribution might be the time spent organizing others for a greater impact.
Any gift is worthwhile
It’s so easy to deceive ourselves into thinking that the gifts we give aren’t enough. We fool our hearts into believing that if we can’t give a huge amount, we shouldn’t give anything. This couldn’t be further from the truth. There are no small gifts, friends. All gifts are good gifts.
So whether, you give $5 or $500 — it’s a good gift. Or maybe you can only send a card? That’s a good gift, too. You could give your time by coming by and scrubbing a toilet. Or you could use your culinary skills to make your famous (fill in the delicious blank) to bring by. You could use your organizing abilities to coordinate a meal after the funeral. Each of these gifts make a difference in the lives of the bereaved. Step up and choose to give your good gift.
Listen
Flowers are lovely. Cards are kind. Meals tend weary bodies. But listening is probably what’s needed most. Even if you sit in silence and let the other person cry, your presence provides comfort and love when that individual needs it most.
Try not to offer trite solutions to grief. Some of the best words you could speak are “This is horrible. I’m so sorry.” Ask great questions like “What can I do to help you right now?” or “Is there anything I can do?”
More than likely, a person struggling with saying goodbye to a loved one won’t know. But it doesn’t hurt to ask. And it never hurts to listen. Try to listen more than you speak.
My heart hurts when I think of all of the friends and family who have lost those dearest to them over the past year. And yet, we all know eventually we each walk that difficult road of loss. You don’t have to be wealthy to make a difference. If you have arms to hug, ears to listen and a heart to love, you have more than enough to give.
