Love fills the air in February. Stroll down the aisle of your favorite big box retailer and you’ll find heart shaped everything — candies, pillows, cards, crafts, books.
I’ll admit that I get swept up in the hokey sentiment of it all. I’m woman enough to own that I still get a little swoony over an “I love you” balloon attached to a cuddly teddy bear. However, for those of us who have been married more than a half minute (20 years for us this year), you know that symbols of love only get you so far.
The real, everyday, nitty gritty of marriage is much less cutesy. After all, loving each other “until death do you part” can’t really be packaged or purchased. The communication and intimacy required for a relationship to last a lifetime necessitates intentionality. No one stumbles into a happy marriage.
In particular, money fights and struggles tear marriages apart. Ranking among the chief reasons why couples choose divorce, these types of disagreements arise when we don’t learn how to talk about our shared finances outside of conflict. Choosing to have conversations about money without beginning in the middle of an argument can strengthen your relationship more than anything shaped like a heart. Use these topics to navigate through tricky territory today.
1. How was money handled in your family of origin?
The ways we were taught about money influences how we handle it today. Knowing how your spouse was raised can give you a sympathetic and introspective lens on what makes them tick when it comes to dollars and cents. Rather than pointing out potential flaws you may see in your in-laws, ask questions like:
Were your parents savers or spenders? Did you go on vacation as a child? Do you remember your parents achieving a significant financial goal? Did your family talk about money?
Remember, this is a judgement- and comparison-free zone. You’re on a mission to learn, not to criticize.
2. What’s the first purchase you remember making?
How we approach money can also be explored through the vantage point of our childhood years. For instance, I have a vivid memory of losing a Sucrets box of loose change in the aisles of Kmart. I still have a propensity to misplace my wallet. Both experiences can bring me to tears. I also remember the sweet satisfaction of purchasing a cherry red, antique-style gumball machine from Service Merchandise using money I earned babysitting. Yes, I still have it. Strolling down memory lane will not only provoke warm fuzzy memories of days gone by, it will also open the door to deeper conversations.
3. What is your biggest financial dream?
Dreams motivate us. Thinking about where we could be or where we long to be serves as a catalyst to change our present reality. Again, don’t share your biggest financial dream until your spouse shares theirs first. You may discover that your dreams are similar or that you have different ideas of where to begin first. Your differences don’t have to tear you apart, though. If vision is communicated well, those differences can actually help you strengthen each other.
4. Where or to whom would you like to give money?
Radical generosity changes hearts and lives. Keep in mind that this particular question begins as a hypothetical one. After all, you may not have money to spare right now. However, asking your spouse which people and organizations they are passionate about opens a great conversation about how you can be generous together.
Whether it’s as simple as sending a struggling couple $10 for a coffee date night, dropping change in the Salvation Army kettle at Christmas time, or setting up a regular recurring gift, being generous together helps binds your hearts and wallets together. No, you may not be able to be a Bill and Melinda Gates-styled philanthropic power couple, but odds are good you can do something. Money loses its powerful grip on our lives when we learn how to give it away.
5. How much debt do we have?
This question feels so heavy after all of the fun ones above. However, you knew we would have to go there, right? More times than not, conversations about money come up during moments of stress and even in the middle of fights. Choosing to have this particular discussion when a bill is due or when you realize you have very little margin in your lives will lead to a blow up.
If you can get out in front of the issue and have a straightforward chat that’s informative and maybe a little bit scary, your odds of fighting decrease. Granted, this conversation still might feel daunting. But getting a good handle on what you owe is the first step toward beginning to pay it off.
The more you talk about money, the less awkward it feels. Improved communication breeds more of the same. Begin your journey toward a healthier, more intimate marriage by making time to have these essential conversations today.
